Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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