omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
