at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
