i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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