Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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