this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
