I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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