Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
