Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
