Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
