He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
