explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
