thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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