you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
