Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
