glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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