I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
