ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
