I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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