I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
