why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
