I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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