peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
where are you?
Hypothermia
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
