I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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