he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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