Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
