Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
