how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
