I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
