it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
