Fine. I'll sleep in my office
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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