Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
