"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
