..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
My Higher Power is John Stamos
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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