so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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