Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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