we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
