This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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