Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
