Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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