Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
