jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
