and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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