Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
