My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
