3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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