You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
