Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
