i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
