Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just pee around me
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
